Healing
by The Celestial Tiger
Summary: Complete oneshot! It is two years after the conclusion of the final battle, but Zechs is still haunted by the ghosts of his past, drowning in sorrow and selfloathing for all that transpired during his years as a soldier. Only one person can help him heal


**The Celestial Tiger's Notes: **_Complete one-shot! _This takes place about two years after the final battle with Marimeia's troops. I really think that Zechs got a raw deal in Endless Waltz. Here he was a major important character in the show, just to become little more than a token appearance in the movie. He was pretty one-dimensional too by that point. No time was given to explanation about where he'd been, why he came back or any emotion scars he had from everything that happened. Yes, I know that he's technically a secondary character to the Gundam pilots, but he was a pretty pivotal character and I think the role he played in the movie did not do justice to him. Never mind the fact that I'm completely enamored with him…it was just a travesty! So anyway…this delves into his emotional state after the war. I tried very hard to make this poignant without venturing into groan-eliciting mary-sue territory. Hope I accomplished that.

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**Healing**

He awoke with a gasp, jolting up to a sitting position and drawing rapid breaths as he struggled to pull himself back to reality. His eyes finally focused on the wall opposite him and he willed his breathing to slow, burying his face in his trembling hands. "It isn't real," he assured himself, though the words were tremulous and lacked any conviction. "It's not real…not anymore. It's over."

His figure sat hunched over for a moment. He was clothed only in simple black cotton pants…his usual bedwear…and his bare torso was covered in beads of sweat, which trickled down his skin and caused him to shiver as the heat of his panic began to wear off. His head was swimmy and clouded as ghosts of images still spun around in his mind. There was no peace in waking hours or in sleep.

Suddenly, there was a loud rapping on his door and a woman's frightened voice penetrated the silent dark. "Zechs? Zechs! Are you alright?"

He took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. He then got out of bed heavily and made his way to the door, opening it slightly to find the concerned face of his dearest friend. "I…I'm fine, Noin."

"How many times do I have to tell you to call me Lucrezia? And you don't look fine…you look like hell," she said as she noted how pale and exhausted he was. "You were screaming like you were being tortured…it scared me to death."

Zechs sighed and slumped slightly, which was an unusual sight as he normally carried himself with the princely grace of his birthright's station. He then leaned his head against the door frame and closed his eyes. "It was…just a nightmare."

Lucrezia looked at him discerningly for a moment. The war was over but Zechs still lived it over and over again in his mind…especially in his dreams. They had been participating in the terra-forming project for nearly two years and his past still loomed over him, fresh and terrible as if it had all just ended yesterday. She knew that he had flashes and nightmares, but not until now had she seen the immediate severity of the state they left him in.

After a moment, Zechs opened his eyes and looked at her, his gaze still as piercing as ever despite his weariness. "I promise…I'm alright."

Lucrezia shook her head. "No, I don't think so," she said softly but resolutely. "I've watched you wear down slowly and painfully these last two years and you won't talk to me about anything. If you keep trying to face it all alone, you're going to drown…and you leave me powerless to help you."

Zechs turned his head away and cast his eyes downward. "Lucrezia," he murmured, his tone clearly indicating that he wanted her to drop it.

Lucrezia suddenly reached and grabbed his shoulders, forcibly pulling him to face her. "Zechs," she said firmly. When he still refused to meet her gaze, she moved her hands to his cheeks and pulled his face forward. "Talk to me!" she commanded, her tone both frustrated and sad. "Please! Talk to me! Don't you trust me?"

Zechs finally shifted his gaze to her, his piercing blue eyes searching deeply for a moment. He then sighed and nodded weakly. "Forgive me," he whispered. "I do trust you."

Lucrezia began to absently caress his face with her thumbs. "Then let me help you," she entreated.

Zechs nodded again and gently pulled away from her, stepping back and allowing her to enter his room, afterward closing the door behind her. He didn't turn on the light, not really wanting her to see him clearly right now. Instead, he walked over and sat down heavily on the side of his bed, running a hand through his hair. He felt the weight of Lucrezia as she sat down beside him…close beside him.

Lucrezia placed a hand on his bare back, feeling how slick it was with sweat. "You were…back there…weren't you?" she asked at length. Without any light, it was very dark in his room and she could barely see him but she felt his hair brush up and down over her hand as he nodded.

Zechs stared at the floor, his eyes unfocused and distant as he lapsed into memory. He had avoided talking to Lucrezia about any of this but now, for some reason, the words spilled out before he could stop them. "I'm always back there. Every time I close my eyes. I can't sleep or even rest. Gunfire and engine roar fill what should be silence. The dead whisper at me when I'm awake and scream at me when I'm asleep. I see their blood on my hands…and nothing can wash it off."

Lucrezia stared at the silhouette of his profile for a moment, genuinely surprised that he had just confided this long-internalized agony to her. She had become so accustomed to him refusing her counsel that she honestly didn't expect him to open up now. After a moment, however, her shock was quickly replaced by her unwavering need to help him and her expression passed from astonishment to concern. Very quietly, she said, "I know you've done things that you aren't proud of, but Zechs…all of the…the really bad things…" She hesitated when he visibly flinched. "…wasn't that because of the Zero System that the Epyon was equipped with?"

Zechs exhaled quickly and sharply in a sort of hollow, toneless derisive chuckle. "I tried to convince myself that my psychotic behavior was a result of that system. But in the end, I could no more believe that than I could believe that I was doing the right thing. No, Lucrezia…it might have held some sway over me, but I made my own decisions. Worse still, I chose my path long before I received the Epyon…even before the Tallgeese. I chose to betray the ways of my family and my people."

"But I think that their nature still lives in you, Zechs…which is why you're feeling so tortured by everything that's happened."

"I thought that nature had long since been dead…drowned in anger, bitterness, vengeance and blood. But it does still live…making me suffer for every crime I have committed against humanity." Zechs' voice was thick with self-loathing.

Lucrezia still kept a comforting hand on his back. "Ever since I've known you, you've always questioned and doubted yourself…who you were…what you were doing…your choices…your convictions. But Zechs…it was a war."

"War may be a viable reason for many, but not for me. I'm not sure I did any of it for the greater good. I was at war with myself. That is the simple and disgraceful truth. You are right…I was always questioning and doubting…and that was my motivation…some sort of self-actualization. What was I capable of? What could I accomplish? Could I still become something despite my own self-betrayal and cowardice? In everything I struggled for meaning and found every new endeavor as hollow and empty as the last. The only things in my life that I don't count as loss are you and Relena. I would die for both of you and in the moments when I was protecting either one of you, only then did I feel like I was doing something real…something honorable and worthwhile."

"Zechs," Lucrezia breathed, finding any other words eluding her at the moment.

Zechs sighed deeply. "Relena has moved onward. She is a paragon of everything that I can never be. She doesn't need me and I would never burden her by trying to share a life that I don't fit into." There was a great, palpable pause and then he suddenly turned toward her. Her vision had adjusted better to the dark and she could see the piercing blue of his eyes, almost as if they were glowing softly. They looked sadder and more lost than she had ever seen them before.

"Noin……Lucrezia…you're all I have left," he said very quietly, his voice quivering in a manner that she had never heard before. "You are the only thing that keeps me from going irrevocably mad."

Lucrezia's eyes trembled as she looked at him. Though there was complete silence, what passed between them in that moment said more than any length of conversation possibly could have. Looking into each other's eyes, a lifetime of emotion was conveyed one to the other. Finally, when both seemed to be brimming over, Lucrezia reached around Zechs and pulled him to her. She tucked his head gently under hers, holding him as if comforting an injured child.

They remained like this in silence for some time. Whether he shed any tears or not she didn't know, but she could feel within her heart how badly he was hurting. The man who had fought the war, who had been one of the best soldiers the world had ever seen, was now broken and shattered. The strength and dignity and seeming invincibility he was once renown for was completely gone in this moment. He was simply a man who had seen and done too much and he needed her.

It broke Lucrezia's heart to see him like this, but she knew that any healing had to start here. He carried so many burdens that he couldn't move on. She had even told him that she loved him but he wouldn't let their relationship move forward. She couldn't pretend that it didn't hurt, but she understood. Now, possibly for the first time ever, he had placed himself completely in her arms. She wasn't about to let her hopes run away with her, but just knowing that he needed her made her feel fulfilled.

Zechs kept his eyes closed and just leaned against Lucrezia. For so long he had pushed her away, certain that she was better off not getting any closer to him than she already was. He knew that she loved him…and in his heart he knew that he loved her as well, but he had convinced himself that he was not worthy of her and had, therefore, decided never to allow it. But sitting here with her, bearing his heart and soul to her, he felt better than he had in years. He couldn't believe how much she could ease his suffering. For the first time, he began to feel that healing might be possible. She had restored to him a measure of hope…a feeling he never thought he'd know again.

After a while, he finally pulled up to look at her, his eyes piercing deeply into hers once more. "I have been a fool," he said quietly, his voice still full of emotion. "My salvation shone in front of me this whole time and I pushed it away. I should have come to you sooner…it was just that...I did not wish to burden you."

Lucrezia smiled softly. "Zechs…you could never be a burden to me. You know how I feel about you."

Zechs nodded solemnly. "Yes…I do." He wanted to confirm that he shared those feelings, but the words just would not come.

Lucrezia leaned toward him and kissed his cheek. "Good…and never forget it, because it won't ever change." She pulled back again to find him gazing at her with an almost childlike look of appreciation on his face. This caused her to chuckle softly. "You look like a puppy."

"I rather feel like one right now," he admitted, this time with the tiniest of genuine smiles.

Lucezia smiled at this sentiment but then became very serious as she caught his eyes again. "Zechs…promise you'll come to me when something like this happens again or even if you just need to talk. It doesn't matter when or where."

Zechs nodded earnestly. "I will," he said sincerely. "I don't want to face it alone anymore."

"You won't have to. I'll be here with you, no matter what." Lucrezia watched how much Zechs seemed to relax just from this reassurance. She then offered him a kind smile. "Now…you need to try and get some sleep. You look absolutely exhausted." Zechs blinked heavily, as if her assertion had reminded him of just how run down he felt. He nodded and then stood slowly, Lucrezia standing up with him. She then looked up into his eyes. "Will you be alright?"

"I do feel better. I think I might be able to sleep now," he replied, smiling softly.

"Ok. But you come and get me if you need me," Lucrezia said earnestly.

Zechs nodded sincerely and then walked her the short distance to the door of his room and opened it, allowing her to pass through and then standing in the doorway behind her. Lucrezia smiled and placed her hand briefly on his shoulder. "Good night," she said quietly and then turned to walk away, her hand gliding gently off and away. Before she could leave, however, Zechs had grabbed her hand to stop her. She turned back to him, a bit surprised.

"Lucrezia," he said in a low voice. "Thank you." Before she could respond, he pressed his lips gently to hers. It was not a long or overly passionate kiss, but it was far from a simple kiss of friendship. It held a beginning…something that had long since been impossible.

When their lips parted, Lucrezia searched his eyes to be sure she wasn't imagining something based on wishful thinking but she found his expression to be quite serious. In that moment, his eyes were even more piercing than she had ever seen them before and they told her what he could not find the words to express.

"Good night," he said quietly, giving her hand a gentle squeeze before letting go.

Lucrezia looked somewhat dazed but she smiled beautifully. "Good night," she whispered and then finally walked away and back to her own room.

Zechs watched her leave and then withdrew back into his room. He lay back down, his heart lighter than it had been in many years. He knew that it was unrealistic to believe that everything would be perfectly fine now…it would take a lot of time and work to overcome his ghosts and demons…but the thought of not facing it alone any more offered him some peace…enough peace to drift into a deep, untroubled sleep.

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**Additional notes: **Please leave me a review, for better or worse. 


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